“I’m dead inside.” – Michael Scott
Out of all the emotions I felt today, those three words accurately describe my current state of being.
I knew something was wrong. I could feel it all weekend. I came into Monday and even part of Tuesday reserved because of it (even though I pinky promised not to). I wasn’t myself, we weren’t ourselves, and we showed it.
It blows my mind that you based everything we built on two “off” days. That seems fair and logical… What about the twenty eight days that weren’t off? What about the days we would find ourselves almost in tears because we were laughing so hard. What about the days I would catch you smiling just because you were that happy? What about the days your heart told you that this was right?
See, I don’t know what bothers me more. I don’t know if you making your decision on two “off” days is more bothersome or the excuse that “you aren’t strong enough to leave him”. Well for starters, you seemed strong enough to cut me out of your life pretty quickly. My departure didn’t seem to bother you at all. Secondly, lets just call it what it is. I’m clearly not enough for you.
The fact of the matter is you made up your mind. It sucks. I cried driving home, I cried in the parking lot at the park, and I cried in the shower when I got home. My heart is empty and torn to pieces. You know how much you meant to me. I was so in love with you.
With that being said, I can live with your decision knowing that you made it by following your heart. Knowing that your heart told you that you would be more happy where you are than with me. Knowing that if you had to absolutely choose and that there were no consequences to your choice, you would pick where you are over me. Knowing that the feeling of being in the “right” place is where you are and not with me. Finally, knowing that your choice wasn’t made based on you being scared or not strong enough to make the change and live the life you so desperately deserve.
If you can live with that, I can live with that.
So here’s my advice to all the people out there that find themselves struggling with their identity or their relationship…
Its crazy to think how the loss of one person from your life can make such a huge impact on you. Some people never even realize they are unhappy, they have just convinced themselves over time that the way they are living is normal, that they are happy. The power of your mind is truly amazing because I believe that if you tell yourself something enough times, you actually start to believe it. In the end, we are in the drivers seat of our own lives and we are responsible for our own choices. I feel like all of us know this yet we are so quick to toss it aside when life puts us in an uncomfortable position. Most of us are so quick to change for that one person, or overlook this one quality, or ignore this red flag, but the truth is that each and every small part of ourselves that we give up or hide in order to satisfy that one person adds up over time. Fast forward five, maybe even ten years down the line. Every day within that time period that you found yourself giving up a small, insignificant at the time, possession of who you really are, ends up leaving you with nothing else to give. Regardless of how “in love” you are, you should never find yourself giving up pieces of yourself to make someone else happy. You should never want to find yourself, empty handed, with nothing left to give, alone, and scared of what comes next.
Don’t ignore the red flags. Follow your heart because time is the most precious and intangible thing we have on this crazy journey we call life. Sometimes truly and honestly assessing yourself will help you find what makes you happy. Sometimes immense heartbreak and pain help push us to the next step we need to be at in order to live the lives we should be living. The lives we deserve. Don’t wait for the moment you find yourself empty handed with nothing left to give. You know yourself better than anyone else. Don’t build your life around someone that doesn’t give you everything you need. Don’t build your life around someone that doesn’t appreciate you for everything you are and what you bring. Love comes and goes. Don’t be scared to change the scenery because you “love” them. Yes, it might be hard. You might face obstacles but time is the healer of everything. The decision to change may seem complicated but it all comes down to what makes you the most happy. Simple and plain. Follow your heart because when it’s all said and done, the person you’re meant to be with will be there helping you rebuild every piece you lost, helping you shed light on the pieces you never thought you would share again. They will be there holding you up, never asking you to change, but more importantly you will feel like you don’t have to change. You’ll feel free, you’ll feel true happiness, you’ll feel like you’re right were you’re supposed to be.